history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
