I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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