Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
