nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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