Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
