I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
