Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
