hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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