He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
