Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
