I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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