so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You're a waste of cheezeits
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
