why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
