I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
