eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
