Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Found your dick twin last night
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Randomize
