my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
