I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
So much rum. So many feels.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Randomize
