really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
That accounts for only three of the penises
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
