I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
