Sry I called you an 8
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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