K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
My life is pants optional.
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