I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
