Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
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