Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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