how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
