I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
