please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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