I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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