She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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