I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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