you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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