I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
