Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I cannot find my penis.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
