i'm signing you up for texting rehab
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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