I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
