I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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