I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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