Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
