.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
