ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
