I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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