He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Randomize
