I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
