every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
