dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
