Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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