Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
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