If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Randomize
