I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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