I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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