I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
