I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
