If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You need a sexual gate keeper
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
