i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
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