mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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