So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
