I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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