You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Then you guys just all showered together...?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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