you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
