It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
