he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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