It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
