So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
