she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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